Our basketball team is probably smarter than yours

And everybody knows the real winners are found not on the hardwood, but in the classroom, right? Score one for books and words and whatnot.

In case you hadn't noticed, THE APRs ARE OUT! WOOHOO! Now you know exactly who does and doesn't fail at the larnin'. This is absolutely one of my favorite days of the offseason, as I get to sit atop my pedestal smoking a pipe and sipping brandy, mocking those fumbling with the concepts of nouns and verbs below. The APR is that beautiful number that measures academic success and exacts annual punishment on Fresno State. And probably some other teams that can't read.

The Flyers notched a score of 974 out of 1,000, which is enough to get themselves a Public Recognition Award. You have to figure that Brian Roberts' baking soda volcano and MJ's dinosaur diorama at the science fair played a part in this. The Public Recognition Award list includes such schools as Brown, Columbia, Dartmouth, Harvard, and others of the like. All were given the choice of being thrown in a locker or an atomic wedgie courtesy of Chris Wright.

Other A-10 notables were Xavier and Saint Louis, who were the only two to eclipse us with scores of 977 and 979, respectively. (Nerds!) Things aren't all sunshine and quadratic formulas in the A-10, though. Five squads fell below the 925 cut line, which means immediate penalties might be forthcoming. The schools are St. Joe's, Duquesne, Temple, UMass, and St. Bonaventure. That slot weld will get you every time.

Should the aforementioned five teams lose a player that would not have been academically eligible had he returned, they can't reward that scholarship to another player. I honestly don't know if any of them actually did lose an academically ineligible player, but if they did the NCAA is going to ransack them like vikings.

St. Bonaventure actually managed to be spectacularly deficient and scored under 900, which means they're subject to -- DUN DUN DUN -- historical penalties. This means St. Bonaventure could be subject to further scholarship losses, which only robs the basketball world of one less awful player, or could make them subject to postseason bans, which is wholly irrelevant to the Bonnies. The Bonnies can't even spell NIT, and thankfully they won't need to.

The Bonnies were given the shameful designation of being put on Public Notice. Which means we get to break out...


The A-10 as a whole averaged an APR of 934.9, which is comfortably above the national D-1 average of 928. In case you're interested, here's the entire University of Dayton vignette in case you're interested. I can tell by your face you're not.

The one where we say goodbye to Linda Bruno

You may have seen this under the thread (I'm paraphrasing) "Atlantic 10 names new commissioner," which does not, in fact, name the new commissioner...pretty much because they haven't picked him.

And let's be honest, it's going to be a him. Eight Belles was an omen for many, many things.

"PHILADELPHIA, Pa. - Linda Bruno, the fourth commissioner in the history of the Atlantic 10 Conference, today announced her resignation, effective June 30, 2008. Bruno was named commissioner on June 14, 1994."

Whooooooooooo! The reign of terror is over. Saddam has been captured! We're now allowed to use the internet and have opinions in China! Come on boys, drinks are on me!

"After almost a decade-and-a-half with the Atlantic 10, I've decided it's time for new challenges," said Ms. Bruno. "I look back on the past 13 years with pride. The league has made tremendous strides, both on the field of play and off. We have strengthened our membership, strengthened our commitment to excel, and strengthened the future of the Atlantic 10."

I think this a draft of President Bush's last speech in office.

During her tenure, Ms. Bruno strengthened the Atlantic 10's membership with the additions of Charlotte, Dayton, Fordham, La Salle, Richmond, and Saint Louis; negotiated two television contracts with ESPN - the most lucrative and extensive packages in league history;

Funny, because I never see any A-10 games on ESPN.

was among the first to sign a contract with College Sports Television;

Which 98% of America doesn't have an 99.9 percent of America has never heard of.

added women's rowing, men's and women's outdoor track & field, and women's lacrosse to the Conference's championship slate; and created officiating bureaus for baseball, field hockey, men's and women's soccer and women's volleyball to better serve those Atlantic 10 programs.

Because when you think of the A-10, the first thing that comes to mind is clearly women's rowing.

She also headed the Atlantic 10 as it evolved into one of the prominent basketball conferences in the country.

Says the A-10's official website, not rational, informed people.

Since 1994-95, the league has earned multiple berths to the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament 11 times, including five bids in 1996-97 and 1997-98.

Relevant to the last 10 years.

Bruno also was responsible for securing the 2001 (regional) and 2006 (first and second rounds) NCAA Men's Basketball Tournaments to Philadelphia, and the highly successful 2007 A-10 Men's Basketball Championship at Boardwalk Hall

that no one goes to or is able to watch on television.

marked the first of a two-year association with the Atlantic City (N.J.) Convention & Visitors Authority. She also began the Commissioner's Honor Roll, which recognizes all Atlantic 10 student-athletes with a 3.5 GPA or better.

Ladeeefrickin da. Name me one A-10 student athlete on that list. Go ahead. I dare you. Even if you take me up on that offer, to you I say: who fucking cares?

"On behalf of the Council of Presidents and the entire Atlantic 10 Conference, I want to thank Linda for her many years of service and commitment," said Xavier University President Fr. Michael J. Graham, President of the Presidents Council of the Atlantic 10 Conference.

"and good fucking riddance A-10's own Ellen DeGenerous" (I don't know how to spell her name and won't look it up.)

"Linda's leadership through the expansion process helped solidify the foundation of the Atlantic 10. Her insight on national issues has been unmatched"

read: God I can't believe how dumb this broad is.

and her efforts over these past 13 years have and will continue to go a long way in ensuring the future success of the league."

In the exact same way Isiah Thomas' efforts will have on the once-storied New York Knicks.

Goodbye Linda Bruno. We won't miss you.

Profiles in Courage: Keith Waleskowski

Today we begin our Profiles in Courage series. The offseason is the perfect time to reflect on the the Randy Rhoads guitar solo level of awesome that has walked through the tunnel at University of Dayton Arena. We begin with the man, the myth, the legend. It's the mother flippin' Keith Waleskowski.

FF: You have cemented yourself as a Flyers legend, at least amongst men now aged 24 and above. Creepy or not, that has to feel moderately good, right?

KW: I guess that it is pretty cool when I sit back and think about it. To tell you the truth, I really never do/did think about that part of it. I just liked the fact that I got to play basketball at a pretty high level. Being in an atmosphere like that, and the whole lifestyle surrounding college basketball was cool enough in and of itself. Great school, great teammates, and great support from everyone that watched us was an awesome experience. I never really got caught up in stats and trying to fit myself in with the Flyer greats, but it is pretty cool when people mention my name with some of them. And I don't think I should feel creepy about that, right?

FF: What was your favorite game as a Flyer? What made that game different from other Flyers games?

KW: Can I list a couple? I guess, because this is an email response and you can't cut me off, and if you change my quote I will sue you. Just kidding.

My favorite games were when we had a chance to play for a championship. In no particular order, the Maui Invitational final my senior was pretty sweet. To win such a big-time tourney, and personally be named MVP was nice. It was an intense game, and I was excited afterwards to hear that Raftery gave me a "Send it in, big fella!" after my dunk (which rarely happened). Any time we played in the NCAA tourney was pretty sweet, too. The atmosphere was amazing, and just knowing how big those games were was something that everyone could get pumped about. And the A-10 championship game my junior year at home was awesome, too. I mean, league champions, at home, in front of a packed house of 13,500 crazies. I still reminisce about that game with friends and teammates. That was good times, and so was the celebration afterwards.

I guess the difference between those games and "regular" games was the fact that they were for championships and everyone involved was more pumped up for them. The fans were that much louder and more involved, players for both teams played that much harder, and afterwards you felt like you accomplished that much more. Like an end to the road because it took more work to get there and reached the goal set for them.

FF: Who was your least favorite player to play against?

KW: Probably have to say David West. He was freakin' good, and always tough to defend. Not to mention they designed their whole offense around him so they would just clear out to an entire side of the court and give him the ball so no one could help out on defense. I guess it is more of a respect thing than anything. I have nothing against him personally, just the fact that he killed us all the time.

FF: The BWs on the corner of Brown and Lowes recently took down your signed jersey. How bullshit is that?

That is bullshit. They barely even gave me free drinks for giving that to them, too. I mean, my friends would always try to cop some drinks out of the deal, too. No problem with that. And not to toot my own horn, but everyone I have talked to said it was the centerpiece of the whole bar, and that the whole aura of the place was that much more heavenly with my jersey hanging so close to them.

Just kidding, but tell them if they aren't going to use it, I would like it back (that's right, I am de-gifting) and will give it to a place that will.

FF: Which Flyer teammate did you enjoy playing with the most?

KW: Probably Finn because he was/is a close friend of mine and we joked around a lot together. I am a jokester, and he and myself were always on the same wavelength. We were always saying crazy stuff to each other on the court and off. We had a little competition to see who could get worse stuff printed about the other in the newspaper, and we were always instigating things off the court. Plus I think he helped take pressure off me because if anyone came to double me, I could just toss it up to him for a dunk. Other teams couldn't just focus on one of us or the other, and I think we complemented each other pretty well on the court.

FF: How did you feel taking on a brand new coach as a senior?

KW: At first I guess I was kind of pissed. I found out when I saw Purnell's mug next to a Clemson logo on Sportscenter on the TV in Tim's. (Should I be saying that? Everyone knew we went there anyways.) Someone leaked the story before he got to tell us, but whatever, it was better for him and we wished him luck. Then the first day BG was here and they introduced him to the media as the new coach he had a meeting with us as a team. It was pretty intense and even though the season just ended, I think we all were ready to get back out on the court and get to work with him. He got us pretty excited for the next season, and he kept his word. He put a lot of trust in me, and all the seniors, and we were able to work together to accomplish some pretty big goals. And all the while he taught us lessons about ball, about life, and we had a good time doing it all. After it was all said and done, I really wish I could have played for him longer. I know it is so cliche, but it is the truth. I still talk to him, and he still welcomes me back when I come to play with the guys in the summer to keep in shape.

FF: What do you think about the current squad, and about the job Brian Gregory has done thus far?

KW: It is interesting being on the outside watching them now. They have so much more athleticism as a team than we did when I was there, and this year they finally go that to translate into some more wins. The younger guys know more about the game of basketball, and not just being an athlete, and I think they will continue to elevate their respective games as time goes on. I think BG has done a good job so far. I guess I am biased, but I think he had a pretty good group to start with when he first go here, but after that there was not a whole lot left. So his first year rebuilding project was actually set back because of this. After that, he had a couple of years with a really young team, and had to deal with some transfers that hurt. This past year they had a good team, but a small margin for error, and those injuries made the window even smaller. I trust that as he moves forward with the program, they will be extremely happy with him. I think he is a great coach, and will continue to show that in the years to come.

Cash money millionaires, cash money trillionaires

"I'm a cash money millionaire look at my Rolie girl

Drop to your knees top ya hair"

Meet Rob Lowery, the Dayton Flyers latest JUCO transfer from Cecil College who will surely be mistaken for Lil' Wayne at more than double the frequency than resident Sway look-a-like does at Tim's.

(Little known fact, Sway's real name is Sway)

(Little known fact #2, Lowery actually looks nothing like Lil' Wayne. Feel free to make Deadspin-esque Martin Lawrence jokes in the comments.)

Lowery's numbers are pretty good (18 ppg and 9.2 apg...good for third in all of D-II basketball).

I wouldn't put too much stock in JUCO numbers though.

JUCO : D-1 basketball :: NBDL : NBA.

(Write that one down...it'll be on the test.)

In all seriousness, JUCO's are generally offense-first establishments. Think the Denver Nuggets, only with less defense, if that's possible.

I'm intrigued by the assists. But I'm also looking at Cecil's one-loss record. Lowery played on a pretty good team. He was the starting point guard. Even Stephon Marbury would be putting up some good assist numbers.

I think Lowery can find a place on this team, but color me disappointed that we brought in a JUCO transfer.

We all know that I'm a Brian Gregory apologist. I'm also a London Warren apologist. I hope this isn't an effort to squeeze minutes from LW. Maybe Lowery's got a really good Ritalin guy. What do I know?

While London has been known to make a mistake here or there, he's improved. A lot. I used to cringe every time he dribbled the ball and silently pray that he would pass as soon as he got the rock. I still cringe every once in awhile, but I've come to realize there's a method to his madness and he really does have a pretty decent handle.

I haven't seen enough of Stephen Thomas to formulate any real opinion on his future. (I'm Joe Morgan and I approved that sentence.)

From third-hand accounts, Thomas seems a little too slow for the college game. I've heard he's been over matched in pick-up games at the RecPlex against a bunch of randoms. In person, I've also seen him make step-back three after step-back three. And the competition at the RecPlex isn't a joke. Clearly pick-up ball is a lot different than the organized game though.

We haven't heard anything from Brian Gregory yet, so I'll hold off on the conjecture. Maybe we're just picking up some insurance at the position. I've tried to block it out, but we obviously went to shit after all of our players got hurt last year. Maybe we're just bringing in Lowery to light a fire under Thomas. Maybe we're bringing him in so London can play 18-19 minutes a game and Thomas and Lowery can split the rest and stay fresh at the same time. I'd be aight with that. But again...what do I know?

So don't take this the wrong way. Rob Lowery's a Flyer now and we're glad to have him. BG knows more about basketball than I'll ever know.

I wish I could talk more about Rob Lowery the player. But he played for Cecil College, on a team that was ranked No. 1 in the NJCAA Division II poll. Anybody want to venture a guess as to what the NJCAA is? Me either. We all know that Flyers highlights are about as easy to find as snuff porn, so I'm guessing Cecil College is still writing their plays on papyrus.

Once we start getting fourth and fifth hand reports from Devroes Summer League games, we'll be back here to make rash, UD Pride-esque over-generalizations and "the sky is falling" predictions about his future in a Flyers uniform.

Until then, I'll be watching LeBron James be the overrated asshole that he is, what with leading the Cavs and putting up the best numbers in the NBA since Michael Jordan. What a piece of shit he is.

(Just kidding...we'll be back waaaayyy before Devroes.)

Luke Hendrick is 1,000% cooler than previously thought

Luke Hendrick: Stuntin' like ya daddy.



I'd be lying if I told you I thought Luke could toss down, much less throwing it in switch. Today, we salute you, Mr. Hendrick.

Señor Cordeiro's Sexy Basquetbol Tour has been cancelled

'Ello and welcome back to the show, my friends. Please to give one more round of clappings to the juggling panda beasts, they were most enjoyable.

It is with many tears that I close the show today, for I am the messenger of sad happenings. I tell you now that my super fun excellent show that have been airing for one year now has been cancelled. When you tune in next season, I will have new home and even more fantastic sexy Thiag-hos. This I can promise you. However, the show will no longer be broadcasted in the Dayton.

This makes even my most lion of hearts weep the heavy tears of a hundred Rio Amazonas. I love the Dayton. The Dayton has been good to Thiago and his insatiable passions. Many a night I would salsa my pains away at Timothy's Bar and Girls, yielding my body to the howling wolf call of Enrique Iglesias. The readily available woman folk carried Thiago through difficult times on wings of eagles, and for this I am ever grateful.

Sadly, tings did not exactly work out here in the Dayton. My airing time was not like it was in Kansas. I long for the adoration and lovings I received from fanatics while at the Barton College of Communities. Like a desert-bound vagabond's thirst, my lust for the light of limes cannot be quenched. Bigger and sexier tings await me, so do not cry your tears for me.

So it with this that I must be off to other exotic and strange lands. As always, good night. And stay sexy.

[bites stem of rose]

[wipes away tears]

[salsa dances as curtain closes]

Your Friday par-tay: Now with 100% less substance

So it's been well established. The offseason is a post-apocalyptic wasteland littered with burning tires and rotting carcasses. I've always said I won't post just for the sake of posting if there ain't shit going down, but our hand just might be forced if only to keep this minimally trafficked space on life support. We're all in this together until Midnight Madness, whereupon there will be much rejoicing and ejaculating. But until then, we must soldier on.

I know no better way to uplift trampled spirits than the majesty of dance. Witness...



See? Don't you just feel awesome right now? If you can't get hyped for House Party going into your weekend, you are a soulless virgin.

Salud to those still hanging 'round these parts. At some point I'll get off my ass and try to get creative. Then you'll go back to wishing for quieter times. Don't say I didn't warn you.