If there's one thing I pride myself on, it's being lazy (see: post count for May). I feel like I've mastered the art of watching sports, which might sound simple to an amateur. But it takes the utmost care to ensure you find the perfect balance between exerting the least amount of effort and maximizing the satisfaction of the viewing experience.
Here are a few pointers for watching tonight's game.
THE SETTING
You have to pick the environment in which you'll watch the game wisely. Three things you will need are clear sight lines, a minimum of senseless chatter, and stunning high definition technology. Taking away one of these three requirements significantly diminishes your teleboner.
If you are picking a bar, ensure that you can get a prime seat, preferably at the bar itself. Do not pick a trendy sports bar. These are typically too expensive and filled to the brim with assholes with their own last names on basketball jerseys. Pick a smaller place with plentiful TV screens and relatively cheap drinks. If possible, the place should be relatively quiet during possessions. This means the fans are respectful of the action and aren't the type of people that enjoy The Wave. I hate The Wave. I was in a bar where people actually did The Wave once. They're lucky I didn't burn it to the ground.
If you are choosing a house to watch the game, avoid going to a friend's house that doesn't have HD. Once you go HD, you never go back. Anything less looks like a finger painting. Also avoid the house gathering where an excess of overly talkative people will be involved. Silence is golden while watching basketball, and quips and asides should be inserted at only the most opportune times. Anyone that has no problem talking clear across the room should be punished by stoning.
THE BEER
I've run tests, and the results are in: Walking sucks. The beer should never be more than 20 feet away. If you have to move through more than one room, it's too far. More specifically, if you can't leave at the beginning of a House of Payne commercial and return before Marv Albert is welcoming us back, it's too far. But don't you dare go the cooler route. That's just tacky and should be reserved for watching NASCAR. I like to match the beer I'm drinking with the game I'm watching as well. Considering basketball is relatively fast-paced and commercial breaks are fairly regular, the beer should be kept light. You're going for quantity over quality here. Miller Lite is pretty much the gold standard for watching basketball. You can subsitute Bud Light if you don't like the taste of beer.
If you're wondering how much to drink, just keep going until Kyra Sedgwick is fuckable. Do NOT play this game if you'd like to make it to work the next morning.
THE FOOD
Once again, basketball is too quick for any food that requires a knife. Cutting requires too much time and attention. You're liable to miss far too much action trying to not slice digits off. Stick with finger foods. Wings are a plus. Do not venture anywhere below a medium sauce. You might as well marinate the wings in water if you're not going to eat above that. I'm personally a fan of a spicy garlic sauce, which gives you just the right amount of heat and flavor.
Pizza is easy, but it feels a little too much like a fourth grade sleepover. Unless you plan on playing Ghost in the Graveyard later, try to keep pizza as an emergency replacement in the event you run out of other food (and may have God mercy on your soul).
THE PEOPLE
You should not be friends with, much less watch games with, the guy that takes every opportunity to sully your team's good name, yet still considers himself a diehard. You are not a diehard; you are a fucking whiner and you do not understand basketball. Other guys that should be avoided: Guy That Calls His Girlfriend Each Commercial Break; Guy That Bails After The 3rd Because He Has To Work Tomorrow; Guy That Questions The Omnipotence Of LeBron James; Guy That Takes A Shit In Your House; Guy That Pays Attention To Your Dog More Than The Game.
Anyone that knows little to nothing about the game should not be invited, either. Nothing infuriates me more than someone dropping a sentence like, "If LeBron is so good at dunking, why doesn't he just do it every time?" or "C'mon, let's just go on a 10-0 run here." Really? It's that simple?
These are the rules. If you do not follow them, you, my friend, are an amateur TV watcher. Sucks to be you.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Posts
4 comments:
This might sound gay, but I've embraced a new sports watching food: Asian dumplings (I say Asian, b/c pretty much any Asian country's restaurants will have them). They come is various varieties, including, but not limited to pork, chicken, shitake mushroom, veggie, flying dragon acid drop, etc. They are cheap too, so you can order a ton of them for under twenty bucks.
Not gay at all. I just threw out wings because it's the perfect finger food, because you hardly even have to pay attention and you can house about 25. Dumplings work as well.
But if anyone tries bringing any gourmet shit in my house, like a quiche, they and their cookware will both be shattered on my porch.
And you hit upon another key: CHEAP. That's very important. The residual cash can go towards alcohol.
Or strippers.
Post a Comment