Amiable Sports Figure, come on down!

After several weeks chock full of alcohol, pills, and purchased female affection, I'm finally ready to accept that Bob Barker will not be returning to The Price Is Right. It's a tough one to swallow, sort of like the horse tranquilizer I took immediately after Bob's final show. I'm resigned to the fact that my mornings will never be the same again. Ever.

But I must soldier on. While Bob was essential to the ascendence of the show, he's not bigger than the show itself. Nobody is bigger than Plinko. And what's the only way I know how to fill voids in my life (other than said self-destructive vices, which are undeniably awesome)? Sports, of course.

But I can't replace The Price Is Right with whatever is on ESPN at the moment. The joys of watching every airing of Sportscenter through noon have long since morphed into a self-loathing experience. I can't take one more one-eyed Stu Scott come 11:00, thusly I need The Price Is Right. There is only one recourse: Tabbing a sports personality to host The Price Is Right.

Time to break down the candidates that will inevitably drive The Price Is Right into the ground. I already hate you.

Tiki Barber. The obvious frontrunner. White people love him. At least 10% of black people love him. Twins love him. He's a little flat, though. I have no doubt he could ably pick up Bob's knack for shitty puns, but it's just not enough. Under Bob's smooth outer layer, you always knew that there was a sexual deviant lurking. That always seemed to give Bob a bit of an edge. The only edge Tiki ever found resulted in six yards before forcing himself out of bounds.

Pacman Jones. I won't lie, this would entertain me immensely. We've already seen what happens when money is up for grabs and scantily clad women are parading around. We could see this five times a week. I'm giddy just thinking about it. As an added bonus, his schedule is looking pretty open for the foreseeable future. Unfortunately, the lifeblood of The Price Is Right is its septuagenarian audience. Seeing as they've watched the same time slot for 30 years now, I think it's safe to say that change scares them. Let's be honest; Pacman would frighten them. All it takes is one contestant getting his face stomped by Pac's entourage and it's all over. And the last thing we want is to be robbed of that putting game once every five days. Sorry, Adam.

Baron Davis. I really like Baron. Guy is incredibly clutch, genuinely cares about his craft, and brings King Leonidas' beard to the party. Good times all around. If there's one thing I've felt was missing from the show all these years, it was Bob heckling retarded bidders. Nothing angers me more than the guy that doesn't have the balls to stray away from the $1 bid. That man should be mocked. Better yet, that man should be dunked on by Baron Davis, leaving him open to years of Youtube-fueled ridicule. Suits you right, pussy. Unfortunately, Baron doesn't have the cachet that some of the other candidates have. He's not the type of household name you entrust your Plinko board with. Not quite yet. One more playoff performance like 2007 and he just might get there. Godspeed, Boom Dizzle.

Gilbert Arenas. This is your winner. Could it be anyone else? No one in the world of sports would relish such a ridiculous position as the host of The Price Is Right quite like Gilbert would. There is no scenario that would be deemed impossible. Who wouldn't want to see the host put his own money on the line is a double-or-nothing game of Cliff Hangers? Gilbert cancelling the show and forcing us to watch him play Halo for an hour? Why the hell not. Anything could happen, and isn't that the true spirit of The Price Is Right? If you loathe yourself enough to justify standing on the streets of L.A. in the wee morning hours on the off chance that you might be able to get in and win a washer, then yes, you too can have your dreams come true. That's magic, folks. I can't think of anyone better to bring the magic back to life than I do Agent Zero.

Also, if it's not one of these men, it could be Dan Patrick, and I'll be damned if I'll have my mornings further tainted by that man.