Top 75 sports of all time

Over on SI.com today, Peter King unveiled his 'Top 500 players in the NFL list'. We're not normally fans of list posts. I mean, what the hell makes Peter King qualified to rank the top 500 players in the NFL? Because he covers games? Cool. While he's in the press box cranking out columns, I'm actually watching players play in the games. So there's another list: ranking who's more qualified to rank NFL Players. McBain finished at #1 and Peter King finished at #2 in my list. I mean Christ, the guy ranked Calvin Johnson ahead of Donovan McNabb. Really? The same Donovan F. McNabb that lost a Super Bowl a few years ago is a worse NFL player than a rookie wide receiver on a joke of an NFL team? If you say so. Just as long as you don't tell me about your next colonoscopy or your trip to the shitter at Lambeau Field.

In 'honor' of Peter King's list, we decided to put together a little list of our own. The top 75 sports. Why 75? 100 seemed like too much and 50 seemed like too little. Here's the thing, we've combined some sports and separated others. NFL football and college football? Different sports. Some like one and not the other and vice versa. Track and field? One sport. One thing you'll notice though..no racing of automobiles of any form on this list. I'm sorry, I'm just not impressed by your ability to turn left. I drive to work every day. Sometimes I have to turn right. Or left. I've even turned right and left within seconds of each other. I'm just sad that NASCAR fans weren't there to see it. It would have been like looking into the eyes of god.

Without further ado, here's the top 75 sports, as voted by me:

1. NFL football
There is nothing like the NFL season. 17 regular season weeks of pure bliss, followed by a single elimination playoff, culminated in the biggest game in all of the world. I've seen heaven and it looks like a sea of HD televisions broadcasting 16 NFL regular season games.

2. NBA basketball
I guess I'm one of Bill Simmons' self-proclaimed 100 fans of the NBA that are left. 82 games are played every year and some people say that's too much. Try telling that to Cleveland Cavalier fans that missed the playoffs by a single game three years ago. I'll give you that the season stretches too long. So start a little earlier to end a little later. There is absolutely nothing on television during August. Start the season in mid-August and culminate with the playoffs after March Madness instead of having the playoffs start on the Fourth of July.

3. College football
OSU-Michigan. Army-Navy. Alabama-Auburn. Florida-Florida State-Miami. Nebraska-Oklahoma. Georgia-Georgia Tech. Alabama-Tennessee. The Horseshoe. The Big House. The Golden Dome. Saturdays are for college football and nothing else.

4. European professional soccer
I'm talking pretty much every professional soccer league that isn't the MLS. The EPL = amazing. This is World Cup caliber soccer, without the diving. Every pass is crisp, every game seems to mean something, every goal is amazing and every save is even better. Before I die, I need to see an EPL game.

5. College basketball
March. Madness.

6. Tennis
Tennis is my golf. Golf is boring to me, both playing and watching. Which is weird, because it makes it's way onto this list about three times. If I want to relax, I'll turn on the TV and watch Andre Agassi (before he retired) or Roger Federer. Hell, I'll even watch Andy Roddick and his horrific ground game. I don't know why I watch tennis, but I'm strangely attracted to it. Trying to play tennis is fun, but absolutely frustrating. If I could put the ball where I want to, I'm certain I would win every game I play. Since I can't, I'm left to watch the guys that can. Or girls, but the grunting throws me off. What is the point of that?? No guys do it. Why must girls insist on doing things like that?

7. Flip cup
The first drinking game on the list cracks the top 10. Many people play the game, few are actually good at it. I'm lucky to have played too many times with some of the best players in the world (and I'm not lying). Most of these players have won flip cup tournaments in multiple colleges throughout the continental U.S. After a game, there's a 99% chance they (me sometimes) will hear, 'you guys are really good'. They should make a professional flip cup league. It's better than watching Skip Bayless talk.

8. NBA Jam
Is sitting in a couch and pressing buttons on a controller a game? Who knows. And who cares? NBA Jam is the best basketball video game ever made. I'll just direct you to my Ode to NBA Jam.

9. MLB baseball
I'm not a huge fan of baseball, but it is refreshing to pop on a game in the middle of the summer. I love playing baseball, I don't love watching it. The playoffs: amazing. I'm always captivated. Through the dog days of summer, I'd rather sit on a porch and drink a nice, refreshing big boy soda. Bud Selig, if you need me, I'm available to write some of your promos.

10. Slamball
Trampolines + basketballs + potential for horrific injuries you say? Count me in!

11. Sand volleyball
Girls in bikinis? Good. Chillaxin' on the beach playing beach volleyball and housing warm beers? Also good. Just missed the top 10.

12. Swimming
We're talking Olympic level, 100 meter dash events here. None of this endurance shit. I can watch 100s and 200s all day, and I do. Most people like the winter Olympics with their hockey and their ski jumping. Not me. Let me sit inside and watch basketball and swimming all year long.

13. Golden Tee golf/Tiger Woods golf
Totally different skill sets, but same concept. People that can't play golf play these games. Some people do both. I love both games, because you can cut that 500 yard dog leg right in half 87% of the time in Tiger Woods. Real life? You're buying a new box of balls by the turn if you keep trying that shit. FYI: Golden Tee is available on Target.com for like $500. I kind of want to buy it. Who needs to pay rent anyway right?

God this list is long. I'm exhausted already.

14. Dodgeball
Somewhat underrated movie. Jason Bateman makes this movie. Fun movie, fun game to embarrass the unathletic high school kids.

15. Speed golf
My kind of golf. Hit your ball, take off. No standing around waiting for people. I've had ample opportunities to play speed golf, getting free golf as a caddy at a country club, then all the free golf I could ask for in Illinois as a summer intern. An empty course on a free cart is the only way I'll ever play golf.

16. Hockey
I was literally about halfway down the list of sports before I remembered hockey, that's how far the sport has fallen. There was a time in my life where I watched every hockey playoff game for a few years straight. I do enjoy the occasional hockey game now, but I won't partake in a sport unless ESPN shoves it down my throat.

17. UFC/mixed martial arts
Can't all life's problems be solved by throwing two people in the Octagon? Isn't that why the Roman empire lasted so long?

18. College lacrosse
This is kind of a weird entry to make the top 20. I don't normally enjoy college lacrosse. I'd be lying if I say I've actually watched a regular season game, because I haven't. That said, every spring/early summer, I'm glued in front of a tv watching the college lacrosse final four. Every year I watch and every year I'm not disappointed.

19. Whiffle ball
As my colleague says, put this on tv and I'll watch it. Ever wondered why they have these video whiffle ball games with ridiculous pitches that you think could never be throw in real life? Because they absolutely can be throw in real life. Whiffle ball like this league is great, as is a sober and/or drunken game of whiffle ball in the yard. Graduation parties, birthdays, divorce celebrations, you name it and whiffle ball is a good fit.

20. Beer pong
Very hard to play. I've never been able to master the art of throwing that fucking little ball into a cup. Seeing people that can, I'm impressed as hell, so beer pong rounds out the top 20.

21. Golf
It's Tiger's world and we're all just living in it.

22. Poker
Sport? Kige Ramsey doesn't think so. I do. Sitting at a table for 20 straight hours with a bunch of dudes and no television? No thank you. Poker boomed throughout the US in the early 2000s like the HIV virus through Eric Eazy-E Wright. It's a pseudo-sport, sure, but it's on my list. Eat that Peter King. It's your list. Want to put LeBron James on it? I mean, he used to play football.

23. Tecmo Bowl
Tecmo Bowl gets the coveted Michael Jordan slot on my list. Slot. Ha. Almost as funny of a word as beaver if taken out of context. Eight plays on offense or defense, with teams that can be recited almost player for player by a majority of males ages 18-32.

24. Madden
Tecmo barely edges out Madden. Barely. There really isn't anything to say about Madden other than it's an institution. An institution that I get intimate with when I pay for it every two years.

25. NHL 97
"I'm gonna make Wayne Gretzky's fan bleed for super-fan #99 over there."

How are we only 1/3 of the way through this list. This was a bad idea.

26. Caving
I saw that caves episode of Planet Earth and was thoroughly impressed. You'll never see Bob Loblaw in a pitch black cave. Figure out a way to get some night vision on that shit, slap it on the Ocho and I'll tune in. I promise Norby.

27. Paper football
A mainstay in indoor recess. I'm working to make it mainstream in the business world.

28. Scrabble
Have you ever seen this shit? These dudes make the spelling bee kids look like they're Justin Timberlake plowing through half of Hollywood after his Britney break-up.

29. Little League baseball
I'm impressed.

30. Rowing/crew
'Hey brah, wanna go row?' 'Yeah brah, but it's called crew.' 'What's wrong with your collar, by the way?' 'What do you mean?' 'It's like, down on your shoulders. You're wearing it all wrong broseph.'

31. Bowling
Sundays are for bowling. Trick bowling.

32. Volleyball
Let's just give the medal to Puerto Rico and get this shit done with.

33. Professional wrestling
There was a (obviously very single) time in my life when I loved pro wrestling. Stone Cold, the Rock, Mankind, the return of Shawn Michaels...I'm getting goosebumps just thinking of it. Thankfully, I've moved out of my parents basement and that time has long passed. Just like the great Larry Bird jersey 33, I've got a special place in my heart for the WWF (it will never be the WWE).

34. Darts
I once played darts with some girl for like three straight hours. Bad idea. Nothing happened. My forearm was sore for three days (from the darts you sick fucks). Moral of the story: people that can play darts professionally must practice for a long time and it's actually possible to strain yourself playing it.

35. College baseball
What put Omaha on the map more, the college baseball world series or the Counting Crows song? I'm going with the latter.


36. Karate
"Me and Macchio were doing shots of cuervo over by the monkey cage."

37. Cross-country
A lot of my friends are runners/used to ran. I never understood it, but I am impressed by it, despite the overload of quotes about some running buffaloes or some shit like that.

38. Track and field
You thought I would stoop to some Allison Stokke joke here didn't you. You'll have to wait a few more years until that won't earn me a seat on Dateline NBC next to Chris Hansen.

39. Wheelchair basketball
Between Murderball and the miraculous healing of the QB on Friday Night Lights, wheelchair basketball doesn't need to hire a publicist.

40. Australian rules football/rugby
Less padding, but still not nearly violent enough as football. Plus I just don't get how to play.

41. The CFL
Why the extra 20 yards again? Was this a conscious decision to get your long kickoff/interception returns on SportsCenter? Because it worked, but no one watches the CFL.

42. Gymnastics
Because Dominique Moceanu was an uber-babe when we were little. And she went to Tri-C. Students for life.

43. Weightlifting/bodybuilding
Low self-esteem much?

44. Surfing/bodyboarding/wakeboarding
Johnny from The O.C. killed all the hard work the girls from Blue Crush did for the sport.

45. Breakdance fighting
Owen Wilson, if you promise not to try to kill yourself, we promise to cast you.

46. Skiing
Downhill skiing is great. Downhill skiing accidents are even greater.

47. Luge
Ditto.

48. Bobsled
Ditto part deux mon.

49. Speed skating
I'm sensing a trend here. Is it laziness?

50. Skateboarding
Number of conversations about Gleaming the Cube that I've had in the Cleveland Browns Stadium executive lunchroom? Too many to count. True story.

51. Boxing
Best way to describe my feelings to the sport right now? Probably apathetic, but I don't really care enough to come up with a response.

52. Wrestling
A haiku: Sweaty dudes in shorts/grabbing others body parts/not really for me.

53. Water polo
An endurance sport. An impressive sport. How has no one died playing this?

54. Paintball
Two guys shooting paintballs at each other.

55. Handball
Brady Quinn is intrigued.

56. Competitive eating
Just $2 a day and you can help save this Ethiopian child. Find out more, right after Joey Chestnut looks to bring the hot dog eating record back to the states!

57. Chess
Because Searching for Bobby Fischer was a good movie.

58. Ultimate frisbee
Because hippies need a place to go and not bother us normal folk.

59. Tetherball
Because Napolean Dynamite plays it.

60. Pool/billiards
Because rednecks and white trash need a place to go and not bother us normal folk.

61. Chess
Because we need somewhere we can keep track of the nerds, lest they devise a plan to take over our bodies and rule the world.

62. Horseshoes
So you throw a half oval towards a stick? Sounds thrilling.

63. Kickboxing
Potential for shattered fibulas? I'm there.

64. BMX racing
Why not?

65. Pentathalon
I just want this list to end.

66. Table tennis
Over or under 1: number of More Cowbell references in Balls of Fury.

67. Raquetball
Because it's better than dominoes but not as cool as table tennis.

68. Dominoes
I have no idea how to play this game.

69. Syncronized swimming
Number 69 is syncronized swimming. I'm mature.

70. Air hockey
Probably shouldn't be this low on the list.

71. Cricket
So it's like baseball but with a flat bat and people standing six feet away? I'm intrigued.

72. Equestrian
All I know is there's a horse involved. Horse shows I can take. Donkey shows...that's a different story.

73. Sport fishing
Unless Bear Grylls is doing it, I'm not interested.

74. Rock/ice/mountain climbing
Ditto.

75. Dogfighting
If Stephon Marbury says it's a sport, who am I to disagree? Sorry PETA.

So there you have it. My top 75 sports ever. Did I forget anything? Probably. If you need me Sports Illustrated, I'll be willing to rank my top 100 places I've eaten dinner or something else completely unrankable.