What you can do to support the Tribe and topple the Evil Empire

We did it! By we I mean the Indians and by it I mean made the playoffs.

It's been awhile for your Cleveland Indians, and it certainly feels goddamn good to be back. Was it the blast from the past signing of Kenny Lofton that put us over the top? Most likely.

As a Clevelander, you might not know what it's like to be in the playoffs. We don't get there much, and when we do, we certainly put our mark on losing.

We had a little playoff refresher course this past year in the Cavs - Detroit Pistons series, but we haven't seen a baseball playoff game in quite some time.

There's really nothing we can do on-field, short of slicing the Achilles tendon of Derek Jeter, which I'm not (wink) condoning. As fans, we're certainly not helpless to affect the action on the field right? There's gotta be something we can do.

Every little thing helps. I, for one, am only eating small apples this week. All big apples are immediately given to Ted Washington. God knows he could use the nourishment. Dude looks like he hasn't eaten in a week.

Here's a list of things you can do to support your Cleveland Indians and spite the goddawful city of New York, New York:

• Don't listen to "New York, New York"
• Burn all DVD copies of ESPN's horrific Bronx is Burning. It's not out on DVD yet? Burn your DVR, just in case you accidentally taped it.
• Get herpes from someone that's not Derek Jeter. It's going to be hard. Know someone with herpes? Chances are those are Jeter-induced sores. Little known fact, the CDC recently named Jeter Herpes as the second leading infectious disease in the world. True story.
• Don't listen to Queen. In a somewhat related note, ignore all your homosexual friends for the next week or so.
• Want to watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or listen to "Ninja Rap"? Wait a week. For every Manhattan reference seen or heard this week, A-Rod will let Jeter get a clutch hit, then immediately homer when the game is well out of reach. Following that, he'll reapply the purple lipstick.
• Sell all your stocks.
• Watch DVD's of the NBA's greatest backscreens and jump shots. Harlem Globetrotters, your basketball chicanery is not going to fly this week.
• Buy the most expensive basketball shoe on the market. Fuck Stephon Marbury and his hippie laissez fairism.
• City that never sleeps eh? Sounds like a challenge. Take lots of naps.
• Don't watch NBC. Don't worry, your weekly dose of boring Sunday night football and forced announcing camaraderie has already passed for the week. You won't miss a thing.
• Cheer for Boston.
• Cheer for New Jersey.
• Cheer for Al Qaida.
• Have a false sense of accomplishment.
• Talk extremely loudly. Think you're talking too loud? Talk even louder and add an annoying voice. See last bullet point.
• Burn all Jay-Z cds. Burn all Nas cds. Pop in your Snoop Dogg cd.
• Get a job with the Knicks. Do a good job. They won't know what hit 'em.
• Too soon?

This is just a sample of things you can do to support your Tribe. Just like your United Way donations, every little bit helps. Together we can band together so we never forget...

how much of an asshole George Steinbrenner is.